Her Muse

I had the sudden inspiration to update my Spotify playlist tonight. Here I am, listening to every 720 songs in my playlist, with hope that I could narrow down or somehow keep them up to date...

I'm trying to... 

Decided to open a bottle of Peach Soju, perhaps this could help speed up the process because everything always feels great and better when you're high. LOL! Bad idea to have alcohol after brushing your teeth, everything just taste weird on my minty fresh tongue. (Wasn't really expecting to drink tonight because it's a work day tomorrow but things have been tough and getting a tad buzz does help me cope, don't worry, I'm not an alcoholic *wink*) 

I'm currently in song number...something and I realized that, songs saved before year 2017 were WAY better! Songs from 2017 onwards were crappier. Omg am I getting old or what!? lol! See! Told you alcohol does make everything better :) 

This blog page used to be a an e-diary. Now, it's just a safe place for me to be true to myself. 

Things have been difficult in my life lately. I never knew I had such problems until the pandemic happened. I never realize that I needed to surround myself with people. I never knew that I did not like being alone. Eversince the pandemic happened, I've been lured into the world of alcoholism. It's getting better though, before this I was constantly drinking nightly. It was good because it helped me forget about the pain and stress I was going through. 

It got so bad till the extend my monthly menstrual cycle was badly affected. WELP. 

Fast forward to year 2021, things are slowly but surely improving. I drink less now, I started working on my hobby of writing, painting and reading again. All these will have to be accompanied with music in the background because music is part of my coping mechanism :) 

I'm almost halfway through my peach soju now. It's slowly kicking in, things are spinning, my legs and fingers are like feathers, things are happier and I feel like dancing...on my own. I'm tempted to start with my 2nd bottle, I don't want this feeling to go away. I feel like having a cigarettes', just to complete the vibe. haha! I'm kidding, I don't smoke. Well, I had a phase in life when I was a social smoker, I didn't quite like the after breath I had. Plus, I felt no form of satisfaction from it, it only felt good when you're high. Then the smelly breath creeps back! haha! 

At this point, you could probably tell that I gave up organizing and updating my playlist. Although, I have successfully narrowed it down to 677 songs. LOL! 

So let's talk feelings...

I fell in love with you last night
Wish I could take you home tonight 
I see you on the dance floor
Oh you dance, so so sweetly 
You make me feel so invincible 
So fearless and so happy at the same time

I recently met a new friend, despite the distance, I'm glad I met you. I hope the feeling is mutual, if distance and time were different, I'm sure we would've made great friends. I came across this song and it's exactly how I feel towards you, 

To that friend, IYKYK, this is for you, 

I recently had a job interview which requires me to submit an assessment, few days later the employer got back to me saying I misunderstood the question and had given me the opportunity to redo it. It felt as though my whole world crumbled because I'm someone who sets really high expectations on myself and when things do not turn out perfectly, I would mentally kick myself in the brain for my stupidity. Urgh, nincompoops! Why don't I get things easy like the rest? Why do I need to hussle and get my hands dirty?  Sigh, I'm just so sick and tired of life. Of chasing a careeer, of being the best of the best. I'm so tired of being disappointed in myself, I'm not able to meet my own expectations. sigh. I have my down-days, these days are usually when the time of the month is coming, my emotions sky rockets and I can't control it. It was manageable when I was around friends. 

But right now, I only have myself to lean on. Whatever I think and do and say, I'll make sure to give it my best just to avoid any disappointments of "I should haves". 

Goodnight, world!