I remember how I used to write almost once a week, I had regular visitors and all.
At this point of time, I just need a place to express myself without being called an attention seeker(?)
The pandemic has not left us, Malaysia is currently in the 3rd wave and we're entering our 2nd lockdown. Living alone was great at first because I had my space! I could do whatever I wanted! But...not anymore.
During this pandemic, it's been extremely difficult for me. I have been feeling really down and dull since we've been instructed to work from home and let me tell you, being alone without having any actual face-to-face interactions was a toughie. (perhaps this is also why I look forward to my weekly grocery runs - naw, this is sad. lol. )
Sure, it's fun during the first few months. After that it got really depressing because with all the stress from work, I was unable to walk over to my friend's desk to rant, to bitch, to go get coffee with a friend. These are things I miss THE MOST.
I do have the urge to have quick lunches with my friends but at the state our cases are rising daily, it's really scary exposing myself - I mean, it would be a dumb move. I'd always think, if you have the option to stay-in and safe, why not? (I know what this line does to my mental health but it's a constant battle - to stay safe or to fulfill my urges aka FOMO. LOL!)
Anyway, I do try - I try to adjust to the new norm. I now have a total of 10+ plants under my care. All of which are fairly easy to handle - they keep my mind occupied, I usually walk over to check on them whenever I feel like I need a break.
Also, I've started my habit of jogging around my residential area daily. This was by far my fav time of the day. I was able to release all the stress I have cooped up in my head. It also helps maintain my weight, with all the amount of stress-eating I've been doing! GIRL!...
I'm not sure how I'm feeling but there's a certain kind of emptiness. I'm content but I'm not happy-happy. Or maybe I'm happy but I just have this immense pressure weighing on me, something that can never go away. (no, it's nothing supernatural) I guess, I just miss laughing hard, talking about nothings and stupid things with my friends, brainstorming about lunch plans by 11am (even though we've just had our breakfast at 9am)
Reading the news is now painful, scrolling through instagram was once a joy - now it feels like a burden. I had a social media cleanse a few months back, I stayed away from my main account and only browsed through my plant instagram (yes! I have one!) This greatly helped me copy with my mental health but at the same time, I felt left out not being in the know about the current Covid-19 situation. *sigh, I'm so torn and so tired from this.
At some point during 2019, I felt like - what is life? Is this how I'll die? Is this the end? But I have so many things I've yet to achieve. I had so much plans for myself but I guess, I should tweak my goals to fit the new norm. I guess I'll have to, for as long as I'm still breathing and have a job - is it always a reason to be fine.
Leaving on a good note, this song is my jam! Somehow, this helps me through the day whenever I'm at my lowest point.
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