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Thursday, November 10, 2022

I Fell Open

This is a very difficult post to write, 

Our worlds collided
Meeting you was enchanting 
Our love has gotten stronger 
Blood rush, nervous wreck
My heart was full
...for a while 

_____________________________________

We've made it through a year 
And while I believed we can make it through another
The anxiety to have you close grew
I needed you here
I wanted you close
The idea of you is no longer an idea 
I wanted it to come through 

Things did not turn out the way we wanted it to be
We had more downs than ups 
Although our ups were amazing and blissful 
Many of times I wanted to say goodbye 
But I couldn't 
I love you too much to let you go 
I'm unwilling to let you find another 
Selfish, is I

We ended things a few times
Thinking it was for the best 
But we always found our way back to each other
Is this True Love? No. 
Because I don't believe in true love. 
But I do believe in coincidences
We were just 2 souls who met on different circumstances 
Separated by distance and time 

We believed our love is stronger than anything
But is love enough? 
Or will distance and time break us first? 

I'm currently sitting on the bridge
Unsure of the path that I should take 
Should I take a chance and wait and see
Or should I decide my own coincident?
Sam said as long as you love him,  
I should believe because it's alright. 
How do you know? How do you know, Sam? 



I don't want to fight
I don't want to ruin what we currently have
I know you have bigger problems to deal with 
Therefore I'm penning my thoughts here
Hopefully someday, somehow
You'll get the chance to see this
And hopefully by then
May we be in a safe space together

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you 


Thursday, February 10, 2022

Letter to No One

It's been nearly a week since we called it quits. 
You were seeing someone and so was I
Our situation was not ideal 
We both knew it but we secretly hoped that it wasn't true 
We lived in our own little cocoon 
Whatever happens between us, stays between us 
I wanted to let go but I couldn't 
Jealousy was not only building up in me
But it was eating me raw 
I needed to do something about it
I told you that I needed a month to get used to this new arrangement
Otherwise I would walk away 
And we both agreed...

That weekend was painful 
It felt like I was walking around with a dark cloud over me 
I kept my distance because I knew you were out with her 
Later that day 
You told me you that you had left her because she was flaky 
But deep down, I knew you'd rather lose her than lose me 
And you finally said those words 
Those painful words that should not have been said 
Irregardless, even if you'd said them based on your emotions 
It felt like a sign for me to let go 
And to be fair I gave it another shot by saying I need some time 
I'll get back to you when I'm ready 
In return you said we should just call it quits. 
I agreed seeing that you asked for it
I was too tired to fight for us 
I was mentally exhausted dealing with your emotions 
I was tired of mending you over and over again 
I was tired of assuring you again and again 
I was tired of having to worry about the words that I say 
Will it hurt you? Will it offend you? Will it make you feel sad? 
Despite how I feel towards us, it wasn't enough
It just wasn't enough
That's when I decided that it was unfair to keep each other on a string
Because sometimes, love just isn't enough. 

The next day
I received an email from you 
Questioning my actions
And how I was so heartless to leave just when you had just broken up with her  
As much as that email bothered me for days
And as much as I wanted to explain myself
I couldn't bring myself to respond 
It was tiring just thinking about the non ideal situation that we were in
I figured it would be best to be left being the bad guy 
You can be mad at me
You can hate me 
Because I know, if I don't - we'll end up in the same puddle again 
I just hope you'll forever remember me 
The goods that we had

I won't doubt it, I do miss having you around 
I wished things were different
I wished we could still talk about nothings and everything
I wished we could kiss and make up 
But somehow
Things feels final this time 
There is no turning back 
There is less lingering feelings 
I can't bring myself to delete our playlist
I'll keep updating it until the day that I can't anymore


This feels like a suitable song for this post
or maybe I'm just overly obessed with this song. lol. 


p.s: If fate has it, may we find each other some day because forever is ours. 

xx

Thursday, January 20, 2022

Yestermonth Ago...

Hello, how are you? 
Have you been well? 
You go on and I'll be okay
I can dream the rest away 
With some faith and pixie dust 
I'll be okay, I'll be okay 
And I believed, 
I thought I was...
Those are lies I tell myself daily  
The past few weeks has been tough
My heart longs, longs for you 
You are my guilty pleasure
My precious, my very own  
You were the heart to my heartbreak 
You are my safe place
Despite it all, 
I wish you would remain in my life 
But I understand the circumstances that we're in 
I love you so so dearly
Always will
Because forever is ours. 
Hello, I hope you're well. 
And I hope you feel the same as well. 

I have a habit of starting my post with a poem, I noticed I write when I'm feeling emotional. With some wine or soju, I'm ready to write! Tonight's one of those nights.

I had the evening off workout as I just had my booster shot, doctor's orders. No workout for at least a week. I did not have trouble adjusting as work and side effects kicked in. I'm entering day 3 post booster and mann...my brain still feel all sorts of fuzzy. For the first time in my life, I had not food cravings. In fact, I tried eating a tuna sandwhich (my fav btw), I threw up everything. I'm feeding myself with some red wine as I write this (think there are SOME tuna sandwich left somewhere in my tummy). Somehow being buzzed helps me write or paint, whichever my mood prefers I do. 

My eating habit has gone haywire, I not only have no time to workout, stress at work is causing me to stress-eat. I can't keep up! I'm stressed over my stress-eating therefore I eat! HAHAHA! WTH!? I purge my meals pretty often because of this. My thought processes are: Since I've restarted the habit, I my as well keep going. I gotta drop 10kg to be perfect. I need to fit into my clothes without feeling like a big muffin! LOL! 


Unfortunately, he did not see me as a bestfriend. He wanted more but I wasn't able to give him that. Whatever it is, you've turned out to be someone who means alot to me. It WILL take me months or ever years for me to stop checking your social pages or stalk you on Spotify but it's okay, its a pain that I'm willing to bear. I love you, I hope we'll never forget each other.