Enchanted

I'm always turning to my trusty blog to express my deepest feelings. I'm not sure if anyone I know still or actually reads this by now. 

As I pen this with tears in my eyes....

It's been a whirlwind of emotions since the end of last week, no surprises that my weekend did not get any better. I'll admit, I was to blamed for this whole thing. I know I'm not the easiest to deal with, it takes a man with extreme patience to tolerate me. 

He has been nothing but patient with me,

I knew how he felt, I took him for granted 

I ruined it for everyone, I have myself to blame 

It's really hard to let you go

I can't bring myself to erase our memories 

I can't bring myself to forget you existed

I've fallen too deep into you 

I can't say goodbye

I replayed every word you said in my head, it felt like you were dropping hints. That this isn't what you want. Speaking to you again, brings back so much fond memories. I wanted to turn back time, back to when things were happier. I have to stop doing this to myself. 

You wanted to take a break and I agreed because I knew you wanted it. I'm not the type to sit around and wait but in this case, I have to be patient. I'm no longer sure if I'm waiting for a happy miracle or just answers. Either way, I'm prepared for the worse. 

You wanted us to be more than friends but less than lovers. 

~ 

What makes us when we're more than friends but less than lovers? 

This type of relationship can be seen as a stepping stone to a more committed relationship, or it can be an end goal in itself. It’s characterized by a level of emotional intimacy and physical closeness that is typically reserved for romantic partners, but it lacks the commitment and exclusivity that are associated with traditional relationships.

They were more than friends

She looked at him like no one had before

He held her like the world was ending 

They could stare at each other for hours 

Without 

A 

Single 

Word

And at the end of the day 

She loves him 

And he, 

Well he knew he could never love her

Not in the way she deserved

Not in the way she loves him 

And thus, 

They would always be more than friends 

But less than lovers. 

我只是太愛你

It sounds a lot like 2 people being friends with benefits albeit -in contrast to friends with benefits, this situationship involve emotional dependency from both parties. 

I want us to be exclusive, I know our situation is complicated, its tough, it's unique, it has no label but I would like the chance to call you mine and mine only. 

I'm penning down my feelings, the might be jumbled but that's how I feel. I don't think I can say goodbye, neither do I want to be your friend, I don't think I cant handle watching you meeting someone new neither do I want to miss out on milestones in your life. The thought of these makes my heart aches. Why can't things come easy for us? 

You're the air I breathe

You're the pasta to my meatballs 

You're the butterflies in my stomach

You're the forever to my love 

You're my person 

I Fell Open

This is a very difficult post to write, 

Our worlds collided
Meeting you was enchanting 
Our love has gotten stronger 
Blood rush, nervous wreck
My heart was full
...for a while 

_____________________________________

We've made it through a year 
And while I believed we can make it through another
The anxiety to have you close grew
I needed you here
I wanted you close
The idea of you is no longer an idea 
I wanted it to come through 

Things did not turn out the way we wanted it to be
We had more downs than ups 
Although our ups were amazing and blissful 
Many of times I wanted to say goodbye 
But I couldn't 
I love you too much to let you go 
I'm unwilling to let you find another 
Selfish, is I

We ended things a few times
Thinking it was for the best 
But we always found our way back to each other
Is this True Love? No. 
Because I don't believe in true love. 
But I do believe in coincidences
We were just 2 souls who met on different circumstances 
Separated by distance and time 

We believed our love is stronger than anything
But is love enough? 
Or will distance and time break us first? 

I'm currently sitting on the bridge
Unsure of the path that I should take 
Should I take a chance and wait and see
Or should I decide my own coincident?
Sam said as long as you love him,  
I should believe because it's alright. 
How do you know? How do you know, Sam? 

I don't want to fight
I don't want to ruin what we currently have
I know you have bigger problems to deal with 
Therefore I'm penning my thoughts here
Hopefully someday, somehow
You'll get the chance to see this
And hopefully by then
May we be in a safe space together

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you 

Letter to No One

It's been nearly a week since we called it quits. 

You were seeing someone and so was I

Our situation was not ideal 

We both knew it but we secretly hoped that it wasn't true 

We lived in our own little cocoon 

Whatever happens between us, stays between us 

I wanted to let go but I couldn't 

Jealousy was not only building up in me

But it was eating me raw 

I needed to do something about it

I told you that I needed a month to get used to this new arrangement

Otherwise I would walk away 

And we both agreed...

That weekend was painful 

It felt like I was walking around with a dark cloud over me 

I kept my distance because I knew you were out with her 

Later that day 

You told me you that you had left her because she was flaky 

But deep down, I knew you'd rather lose her than lose me 

And you finally said those words 

Those painful words that should not have been said 

Irregardless, even if you'd said them based on your emotions 

It felt like a sign for me to let go 

And to be fair I gave it another shot by saying I need some time 

I'll get back to you when I'm ready 

In return you said we should just call it quits. 

I agreed seeing that you asked for it

I was too tired to fight for us 

I was mentally exhausted dealing with your emotions 

I was tired of mending you over and over again 

I was tired of assuring you again and again 

I was tired of having to worry about the words that I say 

Will it hurt you? Will it offend you? Will it make you feel sad? 

Despite how I feel towards us, it wasn't enough

It just wasn't enough

That's when I decided that it was unfair to keep each other on a string

Because sometimes, love just isn't enough. 

The next day

I received an email from you 

Questioning my actions

And how I was so heartless to leave just when you had just broken up with her  

As much as that email bothered me for days

And as much as I wanted to explain myself

I couldn't bring myself to respond 

It was tiring just thinking about the non ideal situation that we were in

I figured it would be best to be left being the bad guy 

You can be mad at me

You can hate me 

Because I know, if I don't - we'll end up in the same puddle again 

I just hope you'll forever remember me 

The goods that we had

I won't doubt it, I do miss having you around 

I wished things were different

I wished we could still talk about nothings and everything

I wished we could kiss and make up 

But somehow

Things feels final this time 

There is no turning back 

There is less lingering feelings 

I can't bring myself to delete our playlist

I'll keep updating it until the day that I can't anymore

This feels like a suitable song for this post

or maybe I'm just overly obessed with this song. lol. 

p.s: If fate has it, may we find each other some day because forever is ours. 

xx