Today, was a bit difficult than yesterday. Perhaps it's me being hormonal, my period is after all scheduled to arrive today but as expected, the damn period tracker app is never accurate - The app does not know my body as well as I do.
I have a confession, I purge my meals. Especially on days....no I purge almost daily these days. It's a constant battle between myself and myself. I know it's wrong, I know it's unhealthy, I know it's life threating but I still want to do it. I feel a certain sense of satisfaction in eating whatever I want and then throwing up later. It felt like I had the control in managing my weight -- the easy way.
It got to the extend, I KNOW when the last bit of my meal was out. I even managed the food I eat so when I purge, I could track. If item A does not come out, I'd do my best to get it out. Of course, there are days where, I would give up because I was getting tired. I'd then resort to skipping my next meal and manage from there.
You see, I'm a person who loves food. Hell no, will I go on a diet and deprived myself from the amazing food out there. Whether sinful or not. Only a handful of my loved ones knows about this. On good days, I would live my day without secret visits to the toilet.
I wish I was thin, I wish I could fit a size 8 and below but in reality, I'm not a size 8 and it's not easy being smaller. So, I would settle for having my jeans hang loose around my thigh and my cheeks sunken in because, I look really ugly in pictures -- chubby. I know, I'm being vain.
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My anxiety attacks.
On certain days I would keep my distance from my family and friends, when they would repeatedly ask me questions, talk to me or ask for a favour. I would not know why but I felt really frustrated and annoyed by their presence. I'd feel really flustered and disorganized.
I would feel myself constantly taking deep breathes and having heart palpitation, I used to blame this on the stress I faced at work, little did I know, that these are anxiety attacks.
My anxiety had worsen, when the pandemic started. I was lucky to spend it with someone I love but I was constantly putting him in despair because I would shut him out and start arguments without a valid reason. I try, I do try to keep myself from making things worse. By then my anxiety had sky rocketed.
I'd turn to alcohol night after night, I'd cry when I'm alone. I would not know the reason behind my tears but it felt SO GOOD to cry. It felt like a burden had lifted. The moment these tears stopped, I was back to square one.
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I am my own worse enemy.
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